The Mallu Lampoon

Maya's birthday cake not to be visible from space this time around

2012-01-14T07:12:00.000-08:00

LUCKNOW: For the first time in almost two decades, Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Mayawati's cake will not be visible from space. Reports suggest she wants to maintain a low profile and not fall foul of the Election Commission given that the model code of conduct is in place and assembly elections are only a few weeks away. This follows on the heels of the Election Commissions's directive to cover up all the statues(numbering over 1.7 million at last count) of Mayawati and those of the elephant, the BSP's election symbol. The birthday celebrations this year will be tempered down and it will be a far cry from yesteryear's ostentatious display of opulence.

Mayawati's birthday celebrations usually involved a colossal 37 tiered cake, large enough to be visible from space. According to Vladislav Alexandrov, a Russian cosmonaut who caught a glimpse of the cake when he was aboard the International Space Station, it was a " grotesque shade of pink and loosely resembled the shape of an Absolut bottle. But then, just about everything loosely resembles an Absolut bottle from up there. Call it Absolut Maya. Haha." Also missing will be the enormous garlands of currency notes(last year the value of one of them exceeded the GDP of Samoa). However one insider confided that Mayawati will not discontinue the tradition of sending a private jet to London to collect a pair of new sandals for her birthday.

As always, there was a sizable number of people(all of them, coincidentally, belonged to her party) who justified her lavish celebrations. They felt that the EC and the media were being partisan. One enraged party worker even went to the extent of describing them as 'upper caste schmucks'. The general consensus was that the decision to tone down the celebrations was uncalled for and unfortunate. Dalit leader Stalin Washington succinctly summed up the situation, "Earlier there was a notion that corruption was the prerogative of the upper castes. Behenji has turned that on its head. We relish her ostentatious displays of wealth as that allows us to take hope and pride in the fact that even dalits can aspire to be corrupt. Corruption is now truly inclusive."

Rebecca Black sheds light on profound significance of 'Kola Veri' lyrics

2011-11-22T12:17:00.000-08:00

Rebecca Black, renowned intellectual, philosopher and pop cult icon, shed light on the profound lyrics of 'Why Dis Kola Veri Di' at an exclusive gathering of soup boys last Friday. She claimed that the song was a,"subtle, multi layered work which is a critical reflection on society in general". She briefly touched upon the various themes that resonated through the album, ranging from love to the impact of postmodernism on analytical empiricism.

She stated that 'whitu' and 'blacku' were not merely colours but represented "the fundamental duality of life". Moreover, the 'Moonu moonu' part was a metaphor for the 3G scam with the white representing the politicians and the night "representing the black money they wallowed in”. According to her, "Kaila snacks eduthuko is a veiled reference to the conspicous consumption that has plagued our lives". She was appalled that people had failed to grasp the deeper meaning hidden between the lines. 'Holy Cowwu' for instance was "an oblique reference to the recent Aavin price hike implemented by the TN government” while 'Only Englishu' explores the "social conformity to English engendered by a post-colonial hangover".

It also features a bit of insidious advertising, with the 'handla glassu, glassla scotchu' bit allegedly being sponsored by Vijay Mallya in a desperate bid to raise capital for his beleaguered airline. According to Ms.Black, every part of the song, not just the words, resonates with meaning. The 'Pa pa pa paan' track, which is one of the highlights of the song, is evidently the answer to life, the universe and everything. Encrypted by an esoteric cipher of course. Also, 'Why this Kolaveri', which is the refrain of the song, is in fact," a strong denouncement of the imperialism at the heart of American foreign policy."

Another fascinating aspect of the song is the unique back masking used. When the song is played backwards, faint messages could be discerned. Although they were initially believed to be satanic messages, on closer examination it was revealed to be a misplaced promo for Ra.One. The song ends on a somber note, depicting the stark reality of our existence. "How much ever we try, we cannot break the invisible fetters of destiny (and rising petrol prices) that bind us down. We are all soup boys. We have no choice."

Prima Famiglia

2011-11-19T06:55:00.000-08:00

THE SPIRIT OF BACCHUS

2011-09-09T11:42:00.000-07:00

Kerala, that picturesque, enchanting sliver of land located at the southern tip of our nation, not only has the highest literacy rate in the country but also the highest per capita consumption of alcohol.This fortuitous combination has resulted in some delightfully creative 'brand' names for illicit liquor manufactured there, like Manavatti(bride),which claims to make one demure, quiet and reserved akin to a bride on her wedding day or Anamayakki, which shares it's namesake with the medicine used to calm down elephants in musth.In order to uphold our glorious heritage and tradition, TML plans to make a foray into the hooch liquor sector with the following brands in the pipeline:

Mahamaya(Great Maya/Grand illusion): This gives you a sense of absolute power and control, along with the hubris, hypocrisy and avarice that accompanies it. You will be overwhelmed by delusions of grandeur; of how your're the defender of the poor,the up lifter of the downtrodden and the conscience keeper of your generation. It will degenerate your self to a state of capriciousness and narcissism where you will start indulging in your every whim and fancy. Like sending your private jet to london to fetch a pair of shoes, perhaps?

Shree inda Shanthi(The placidity of Shree): This is an extreme version of Anamayakki. It can transform a petulant, presumptuous, pompous prick to a serene and impassive person with a zen-like countenance; a wacky cross between Yogi Berra and Sathya Sai Baba who can spout such wisdom as "Silence is the speech of the spiritual seeker" when asked a provocative question.

Digvijayam(Victory in all directions): This will reduce you to a ranting and raving lunatic.You will try to pass your asinine and ludicrous ramblings off as clever witticisms and fail spectacularly. You will labor under the illusion of being a scheming genius, despite being a blithering idiot. It will make you the undisputed master of getting caught with your foot in your mouth without you even realizing it!

Pawar Cut: This is a truly diabolic drink. It is like the Schrodinger's cat of hooch. It is illicit and yet somehow it isn't. Any attempt to find out by drinking it will cause it to fall into either of the two states, thereby making all results inconclusive. It is full bodied, rich and twisted. And despite the Rs.12 tag on the bottle, it costs quite a fortune!

Prometric(Fail): This is, without doubt, the most lethal of the lot. It's defining characteristic is it's randomness; not everyone who consumes it will get a high. The few fortunate ones who do tend to become haughty,indolent, posturing snobs;in short ideal manager material. The ones who miss out are heartbroken but are so addicted that they procure it over and over again until they get the high they desire.

BIG BROTHER

2011-05-30T05:01:00.000-07:00

THE MEME GAME

2011-05-22T09:19:00.000-07:00

Of Admits and Aatals

2011-05-03T09:16:00.001-07:00

PS: A case of sour grapes indeed. In fact, the alternate title for this is 'The Sour Grapes of Wrath'.

Delhi Police Cracks Assange Rape Case

2010-12-13T06:39:00.000-08:00

Stockholm: A team of slueths belonging to the Delhi Police have cracked the rape case Julian Assange was accused of being involved in. In fact, the actual perpetrator has been identified as Mukesh Sharma, a cab driver of Indian origin. Although the slueths refrained from giving details, sources informed us that Sharma had been a serial rape offender and that he was part of a larger conspiracy to implicate Assange. This vindicates Julian Assange and lends weight to the rumors regarding the involvement of foreign governments in his arrest.

The Delhi Police team, lead by SP Rajkumar Purohit, had landed last night and apprehended the real culprit in a matter of a few hours. Sharma,who originally hails from Delhi, had moved to Sweden about a decade back. On being questioned on how the Delhi Police were able to crack the case, SP Rajkumar Purohit said, "When I read about the Assange case in the papers, the first thing I did was to check if any men from Delhi were in Stockholm at that time. In fact this is a standard operating procedure followed by police in India. Whenever some woman gets raped, we first check if any man from Delhi had been in the vicinity at the same time. Call it racial profiling if you will, but it works."

According to reports, Sharma was found to be involved in several rape cases, both in Sweden as well as in India. In fact, the Swedish police have charged him in no less than 17 rape cases. In his defence, Sharma said," It has been 10 years since I left Delhi. I miss the city's culture. I was feeling very homesick, which is why I did it. It somehow made me feel like I was back home again."

ABCD

2010-11-23T09:16:00.000-08:00

PS:Kindly overlook the lousy pun in the title :|

The Flying (Disgr)Ace

2010-11-19T14:33:00.000-08:00

A 'flying ace' is a pilot who has gunned down several enemy aircraft(usually more than five). There have been several famous 'aces', the most famous amongst them probably being Manfred Von Richtofen, aka the 'Red Baron'. However, the past few years have borne witness to the emergence of the greatest 'flying ace', in the broadest interpretation of the definition, EVER. An elusive species that goes by the rather innocuous title of "Indian Neta".

The "Indian Neta" has been responsible for taking down hundreds of planes; without even getting off the ground!! Of course, all the planes, and a few helicopters, did belong to the Netas' motherland, but for all practical purposes we can assume the motherland to be the Netas' enemy(although there are several incidents that can convincingly establish the validity of the above assumption, their study is beyond the scope of this article). Another unique distinction is that they did not use conventional anti aircraft guns/missiles to bring these planes down. Instead, they used a lethal and potent mixture of corruption, nepotism, lobbying, avarice, apathy, vested interests and remarkable short sightedness. Ironically, it's been dubbed as the Indian version of the "Patriot" system!

It could be argued that the Netas did not act alone; they had the support and collusion of bureaucrats, businessmen, lobbyists and the public at large. The first three categories are self explanatory. The fourth category is also culpable owing to their(self included) general silence on the issue and their failure to bring about any substantial change in the system of governance. However, just as the pilot must get the maximum credit and not the ground staff, so too our Netas must hog all the limelight.

Much of their success can be attributed to the rigorous and comprehensive training they receive in the art of corruption at several elite training installations spread across the country, the most famous amongst them being the Lok Sabha. Needless to say, all that training has yielded rich dividends. The poor Red Baron must be turning in his grave! Owing to the prolific nature of the Netas' 'exploits', it is almost impossible to determine the exact number of their 'kills'. However, we present below a sample of their innumerable 'triumphs' in the past few MONTHS:

November 19,2010: Helicopter crash, 12 dead

November 11,2010:Mig 27 crash, no deaths

November 8,2010:Helicopter crash, no deaths

September 24,2010:Mig crash, no deaths

September 11, 2010:Helicopter crash, 3 dead

August 28, 2010:Helicopter crash, no deaths

July 25,2010:Mig 27 crash, 3 dead

Article written in 2008 on the '500th' IAF aircraft crash

The incidents listed above are only indicative and by no means exhaustive. It's not that this was all that we could gather; this was all that we could take. The Lampoon salutes the 'Indian Neta' for this singular feat which will probably never be emulated ever again. And thank god for that.

The Lampoon expresses it's condolences to the friends and family of all those brave soldiers who lost their lives. May their souls rest in peace.

Jai Hind!

Our Noob Goes Whammy

2010-11-12T17:00:00.000-08:00

Ournoob Goeswhammy was standing by his window, his hands in his pockets, with a frown on his face. His top floor office in the swanky Crimes Now headquarters offered him a sweeping view of the Arabian sea. But the view failed to lift his spirits. He was still mulling over the problem at hand. The sheer irony of it almost brought a smile to his face. Almost. He couldn't believe that he, Ournoob Goeswhammy, the doyen of sensationalism, had trouble finding a suitable story to cover!

The arrival of his deputy, Rookiemani, interrupted the train of his thoughts. She had a list of possible stories to cover in her hand. "Well, what have you got for me?", he asked.

"To start with, we could perhaps cover the recent report regarding farmer suicides.The numbers have risen this year", she replied.

"That's hardly surprising. Thousands of farmers have been taking their lives every year for the past decade or so. Neither the government nor the public at large give a damn about it. In fact, it isn't even news anymore."

"What about the situation in the northeast? The insurgency has shown no signs of letting up and there has been a blockade in several parts for over a month."

"Again, no one's really interested in the situation in the Northeast. Most Indians don't even know how many states are there in the Northeast, let alone names of those states. I think the only people interested in the region are the Chinese!"

"What about the cyclone? It has been upgraded to a super cyclone "

"What cyclone?! How come I haven't heard anything about it?"

"The one off the coast of Chennai. It's expected to make landfall between Chennai and Nellore."

"Oh the one that's hitting South India. No wonder I hadn't heard about it!The cyclone will barely create a ripple. In the media that is." He chuckled, surprised by his own wit.

"Um. Well an army major and three jawans lost their lives in a counter insurgency operation yesterday."

"We covered a similar story a couple of months back.We'll just make a passing mention of it. If time permits that is. Don't you have anything interesting on your list? Breaking news material?"

"Would rising inflation classify as breaking news material?

"That would depend on whether it will affect the masses."

"Well the poor are the worst hit. Rising food prices have caused a great deal of starvation. And the lack of universal PDS . . . ."

"You've got it all wrong" he interjected."It may affect the poor but they don't really count. It's impact on the 'masses' is minimal.It's not affecting people like you and me, is it?"

Rookiemani stared at him silently, stunned. She decided not to mention the incident about the dalit who was lynched by an upper caste mob for stealing a cow.

"I need something sensational. Like models committing suicide, a spat between actors,some cricket related controversy,the impact of a weak dollar on IT exports, army officers involved in rape/corruption or at the very least a story on thick fog in the capital delaying flights or something like that. Am I clear?"

Rookiemani nodded silently. "Talk about sensationalism in the media", she muttered under her breath.

"That's brilliant!" Ournoob exclaimed. "I had no idea you had such a great topic on the list. Why didn't you tell me earlier?!"

Rookiemani cast an uneasy glance at him. Was he being sarcastic?

"SENSATIONALISM IN THE INDIAN MEDIA!! A golden opportunity to DISPARAGE the other news channels which have indulged in SENSATIONALISM and also denounce them for the FATUOUS journalism it has lead to. I can also expose the DEEPLY ENTRENCHED FUEDAL STRUCTURE in our nation which is at the heart of this problem. Maybe I could JUXTAPOSE it with . . . . ."

Rookiemani stood there, gaping incredulously at him, as he rambled on. He looked at her and smiled. He had that effect on people . . . . .

THE GAME CHANGER

2010-09-25T14:37:00.000-07:00

This ought to inspire more youngsters to enter politics!!

GOVERNMENT TO MAKE POVERTY INCLUSIVE

2010-07-25T04:39:00.000-07:00

The UPA government is considering a radical new approach to the problem of creating an inclusive society. After the disheartening and abysmal failure of all their development plans and the alarming rise in economical inequities in a rapidly developing nation, the government has come up with a novel innovative solution; reducing inequity by making poverty inclusive! Although there is uncertainty regarding the circumstances under which such an extreme measure was adopted, reports indicate that the publication of the UN poverty index ,which states that 8 Indian states are less developed than the whole of sub Saharan Africa put together, was one of the main catalysts. A senior minister in the UPA was quoted as saying,” This is indeed a historic decision. However in order to implement it, it’s imperative that the UPA remains in power. Only the UPA has the requisite capabilities to ensure poverty is made inclusive!"Another senior UPA minister added,” It is indeed a daunting task. We might have to make some drastic changes in the cabinet. Sharad Pawar should be made PM, as his deft handling of the Agriculture ministry has proved that he is indeed the best man to help India achieve inclusive poverty. A.Raja would probably join him as finance minister, as he has an intuitive grasp of the economics of deprivation. We must also give greater power and responsibilities to gifted politicians like Mayawati, Mamta Banerjee and Raj Thackeray, who seem to be doing their bit already.” Some of the other changes that will be implemented will be 100% reservation in all government/aided institutions(including IIT’s/IIM’s) and also 75% reservation in the private sector. Other changes include enlisting the help of Maoists to help dismantle out limited infrastructure and the outsourcing of our entire IT industry back to the West, where people are desperate for jobs. However the opposition parties have cried foul, saying they can do a much better job of making poverty inclusive than the present UPA government. The naxals too are against the move as once all Indians become poor they will have no one to fight with! The business community was too shocked and we were unable to get their view on this matter. However the government is confident that they can arrive at a consensus as this is an issue close to the heart of several politicians and industrialists alike.

Kal-Age

2010-05-30T07:44:00.000-07:00

Finally I've gotten down to writing a post about my college.I study in this college which is located in some obscure village near the suburbs of Chennai. The nearest landmark is perhaps Madhya Kailash, which is about 35km away. No seriosly! Most directions to college end with, "From Madhya Kailash just keep going down the road, for like eternity. Eventually you will chance upon the campus(or rather a motley collection of buildings pretending to be one)".

One of the first things that strike you when you enter the campus are the immaculately manicured lawns and gardens. As you approach the admin block, which incidentally is quite some distance from the gate, you come across the 'fountain of eternal filth'. The putrid stench that emanates from the waters gives visitors their first whiff of a dysfunctional educational system. It apparently uses processed sewage water, but it's quite evident that the processing was a complete failure. Rumors abound that it was based on a final year project of some chem department student. Epic Fail.

One of the key features of our college is the generous grant of scholarships to students. Nerds who waste perhaps the best part of their lives cramming for inane university exams are rewarded with academic scholarships to compensate for all the fine things they missed out on. This is to provide some solace to those losers so that they can feel happy about themselves and to encourage a culture of faggotness in general.

Another distinctive feature is the unit tests which we take twice a week. Apparently our management believes that our college is a prestigious institution. According to them since other prestigious institutions like Stanford, Harvard, IIT's etc( I typed this out with a straight face. Honest) have a system of continuous assessment, it is imperative that we too adopt a system of continuous evaluation along similar lines. Evidently none of them have been to any of these institutions, or they would have realized that our ridiculous system is unique in it's absurdity and irrelevance.

The 'IIT analogy' is perhaps taken a bit too seriously . Since IIT's have a negligible population of pretty girls, we too have followed suit and entry into our college's hallowed portals(I typed this out with a straight face too) is forbidden to most pretty faces. Unfortunately the similarity with the IIT's ends there.

Yet another unique distinction is our arbit rule generating algorithm. This was originally developed by some brilliant bloke in our management , using genuine stupidity(and you thought A.I was cool :|) algorithms which create dumber rules by the day. After undergoing extensive testing on the CSE department students, this algorithm is now being put in use for students of the college in general.

The only chaps who seem to have a life are the mechanical engineering students. Afternoon classes are suspended for them almost every other day, and their life is closer to that of an arts college student that an engineering student. Of course the fact that some of them know as much about mechanical engineering as an arts student would is a different matter altogether.

Then again I shouldn't be saying that, for my knowledge of Electronics and Communication is about as extensive as Shilpa Shetty's knowledge about Quantum Electro Dynamics! However, in a university built upon the foundations of rote learning, where stupidity is a virtue, wisdom a vice and randomness a way of life,it's not how much you know but how much you can commit to memory that counts.In fact, nothing else matters.

Fevicol's New Brand Ambassador

2010-05-06T05:56:00.000-07:00

Advertising Agency: The Mallu Lampoon
Creative Director: Um. Me?
Art Directors: Me again?
Copywriter: Who else?:P
Photographer: Flicked off the net :|
Additional Credits: Suresh Kalmadi :)
Published: April 2010

The Insti that must not be named!

2010-04-15T11:13:00.000-07:00

The Lampoon is extremely pleased to present it's readers with an exclusive interview with Mr.Vidiadharan Puller, popularly known as Vidia, who is the Dean, Chairman and President of the International Institute of Strategy and Management (IISM).

ML: Firstly I would like to thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule for participating in this interview.

VP:Not at all. My pleasure!

ML: To start with, given the proliferation of MBA institutes these days, what set's your institute apart from the others?

VP:Well, we our unique in several ways.For example, under our DOTA program, students get an opportunity to go on a study tour abroad(US, Europe etc) and they get to play DOTA with the students of one of the top 20 B-schools in the world.

ML:DOTA?

VP:Yeah. It's a good team building excersice!Besides we have a lot of tie ups with prestigious global B-schools like Stuck, Fale, Gaylogg and Chaas in the US and Fudge in the UK. We also have student exchange programmes with them.

ML:Sounds impressive.

VP: There's more. All IISM students are eligible for an additional degree in management from the Farton School of business(University of Pencilmania), which is internationally recognized. It therefore comes as no surprise that we have more international placements than even all the IIM's put together!

ML: That is quite a feat!Talking about the IIM's, there is some controversy over your institute being rated ahead of a few IIM's in a recent business survey.

VP:You must be referring to the Jee business survey. We have been ranked ahead of all the IIM's in categories like amount spent on advertising(we win hands down), no of full page ads( same story) and also in indecent, sorry, international exposure.

ML:Yes. But there are doubts being raised over the veracity of these rankings. What's your take on that?

VP: Evidently a case of sour grapes. The Jee survey ranked instis on several important parameters like Course (dis)content, Overall (dis)placements, Global exposure, infrastructure etc and IISM has fared well in all these parameters.We have superior course discontent, superior displacements, especially international ones and superior global exposure, as mentioned earlier. Moreover we also have superior state of the art infrastructure/facilities. In fact, we even provide all IISM students with free Ipads!

ML:Ok. Fair enough. But as far as the Ipads are concerned, rumor has it that the exorbitant fees you charge more than compensates for it! Anyway moving on, let's talk about Vidhiadharan the person. We hear that you are an accomplished writer as well. How did that happen?

VP:Well I've always had a unique and superior thought process, so I thought it imperative that I pen down some of these thoughts for the benefit of the masses. I've authored two bestsellers; the first titled "How to write like Dickens and get some snatch" which is self explanatory and the other titled "The Great Indian Cream", which is an in depth sutdy of the obsession Indian men seem to have with fairness creams!

ML:I'm sure they would make for some fine reading! Apparently your writing prowess has drawn comparisons between you and VS Naipaul, who incidentally shares your first name?

VP:It's true. As a matter of fact a lot of my friends and associates call me Sir Vidia. I keep telling them I'm not Sir Vidia, I am THE Vidia!

ML:THE Vidia indeed, Mr.Puller!

VP:In fact, I found it so endearing that I named my group as TheVidia group. Our consulting arm is called TheVidia consulting and our ad agency is called TheVidia creative solutions.

ML:Creative is an understatement! Btw TheVidia creative solutions must be coming up with those full page ads in the papers right?

VP:Yes. I'm sure you find them very impressive.

ML:Absolutely! Especially the latest one which claimed that your institute has renowned minds from the world of business and management take guest lectures almost every other day.

VP:Ah! That's one of our best ads till date!

ML:Except for one minor glitch. The list of guest lecturers included names like Adam Smith, Patrick Blackett, Edward Deming and Alfred Sloan.

VP:Well whatever is stated in the ad is true. What's the glitch?

ML:Of course, there is no doubting the fact that they are all legends in their own right; unfortunately though they've all been long dead.Sigh. The Vidia Puller FTW :|

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All characters and institutes featured are fictitious and any resemblance to actual personalities/institutes is purely coincidental and unintentional.

FOUR BOOKS AND A FUNERAL

2009-11-18T23:12:00.000-08:00

I used to think becoming a famous and successful writer was a formidable challenge. Reading the works of literary giants does that to you. I was awed by Dickens' mastery of prose, Hemingway's simplistic elegance, Twain's humor and wit and Hesse's depth of thought. Not to forget Tolkien's creative genius and Conan Doyle's rich imagination. Closer to home, even Narayan's deceptively simple yet charming portrayal of life in small town India seemed so difficult to emulate. I had none of the afore mentioned traits, nor was I anywhere near the same league as these greats. I could, at best, string together some coherent phrases free of grammatical errors, bound loosely by the pretext of a story. And perhaps add some story elements that would cater to the lowest common denominator( read 'gujaals') and ensure the "masses" could relate to the book by exploring contemporary youth issues, in a crass and dumbed down manner, based on personal experience and hearsay. But junk like this couldn't possibly make one a famous and successful writer, right? Or so I thought.Until I chanced upon the works of a certain Chetan Bhagat.

Dregs of the Earth

2009-10-14T07:44:00.000-07:00

The ~~shocking~~ disclosure last week of our weight lifters having failed doping tests, has caused our nation a great deal of embarrassment. Indian weightlifting has been scarred by the bane of doping for quite sometime, and the present situation isn't really a surprise for those who have been following the sport in India for awhile. However, what is really shocking and surprising is the fact that in spite of being on steroids, most Indian weight lifters still performed miserably in international events!!!

These recent events have cast a shadow of doubt on other sports persons as well. In order to put to rest any doubts regarding doping in India's only sport(for most of the country fellows it is), the Lampoon interviewed Shantakumaran Sreeshanth(SS), one of India's ~~best~~ fast bowlers, and a mallu to boot!(Unfortunately!)

ML:Let's get straight to the point. Are you aware of any cricketers using performance enhancing drugs?

SS:*Putting on fake accent*. No maan! I am note much aware of these things. But even if I were aware I can't tell to in frond of the camera. I will get slapped again!*Gives a maniacal laugh*

ML:Ok fine. Have you ever used performance enhancing drugs?

SS:*Gives maniacal laugh*. Never maan!I don't use dregs to enhance my performance. Otherwise I might have still been in the team!

ML:You have a point there! So you've never taken drugs, um, dregs ever?

SS:Oh!I've taken dregs on a few occasions,but that wasn't to enhance performance or anything. Those dregs just made me do crazy stuff like this!

ML:You've just admitted to taking drugs! They say there is a fine line between honesty and stupidity, but I believe you're on the wrong side of it!

SS:Alla da! I know nobody reads this stupid blog, so I can say whatever I want and get away with it!!Hahaha!!
*Starts doing a little jig, with his characteristic pelvic thrust, accompanied by those weird despicable facial expressions!*

SS:How do you like my new dance moves? I've specially choreographed it to signal my return to international cricket!
*Continues with the tribal jig*

ML:Dude control!People are watching!Sheesh!
*Looks around frantically for a shotgun, but in vain*

And we left him there, oblivious to the world, a crazy mallu doing a crazier jig.

Yenna da rascala?

2009-09-04T10:23:00.000-07:00

'Quick Gun Murugan' , based on the tale of a South Indian Cowboy, reaffirms the fact that we Indians are fascinated and obsessed with stereotypes. Be it the ubiquitous mallu(esp in gelf) wid the funny engleesh axe-scent or the equally ubiquitous surd(esp in canada) who is the butt of all our lame jokes, stereotypes provide us with an endless source of amusement and entertainment. Alas, most of the dumb and racist natives are too prejudiced to realize that stereotypes are merely a convenient albeit inaccurate oversimplification of reality.

For example, take the stereotype of the funny engleesh axe-scent mallu. There are a lot of mallus who speak fluent english, with impeccable accents; like Shashi Tharoor, Arundhati Roy,Nirupama Rao, ~~Govind Paliath~~ to name a few. Or take the general stereotype of a South Indian. A lot of North Indians(country fellows) believe that the whole of south India is one single eshtate populated by funny engleesh shpeaking, wierd mannerishms making(a la Rajini ishtyle) 'Madrasis'. Apart from refelcting poorly on their knowledge of geography, such stereotypes also serve as an indicator of how racist and bigoted we are. It's not like all Sardars are dumb, nor are Sindhis dressed up for diwali every single day of the year. And all bongs don't speak like Pornob Mukerji. Nor are all goltis either Naxals or IT professionals.Moving on,consider the stereotype of the Tambrams(Tamil Brahmins), the studious padips's(~~redundant adjective?~~), who spend their entire childhood nerding to clear the JEE/get state rank(preferably both!). But not all Tambrams are like that. For example . . . .um . . . lemme see . . .Tambrams who aren't studious . . .there's gotta be someone . . . .Spectrum Raja? Abhachaaram! . . .Hmmm . . . I give up!Maybe some stereotypes aren't inaccurate after all!

Life comes full circle they say, and as far as stereotyes are concerned the saying holds true!Marathis make fun of Biharis (Biharis don't make fun of others, they wonly make the bhojpuri fillims),while this parsi makes fun of the Marathis, and also just about everyone else . North Indians in general make fun of 'madrasis', and in namma chennai the 'Seth pasanga' are kalaichified(Maranai Kalai/Total Damage).The illiterate and ignorant natives(country fellows) make fun of the mallus. The Mallus make fun of the tamilians, the tamilians make fun of the Golti peopleoo. Golti peopleoo make fun of the OZ's and subsequently get beaten up. The surds make fun of the OZ's while the rest of the nation makes fun of the surds!And to top it all we have the audacity to call others racists! What to do?As a brown skinned native once said 'We are like this wonly'!!

The Old man and the Whisky

2009-08-26T06:43:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you are well past retirement age, have nothing interesting to do and desperately need some whisky? You spend a few years writing a book on some bloke who passed away half a century ago, add some provocative statements that will get you expelled from your 'fundamentalist' party and before you know it, your exorbitantly priced book,which would have sunk without a trace otherwise, is a bestseller!

Although I am no admirer of Jaswant, I must admit that it was brilliant strategy on the old geezer's part. Of course his party colleagues who helped engineer his 'expulsion' must be commended for their fine acting. However there was one crucial flaw that gave them away; they stated that they had gone through the entire book (and subsequently found that it went against 'core party idealogy'), although the book was released only on the 17th evening and Jaswant was expelled on the 19th morning.And we're talking about a 650 pages long book written in english!

Moving on, the recent protests by IIT profs have created quite a stir, at least on the news channels. Their greivances are genuine, unfortunately, and this is indeed one of the biggest problems afflicting our education system(or lack of it). If the IIT's have difficulties recruiting competent faculty wing to lack of adequate compensation, then spare a thought for all the lesser colleges out there.

Most people who do their engineering from the tier 2 and 3 colleges don't really have too many options. They can either join an IT company, go abroad for further studies(if they can afford it) or try clearing exams like GATE,CAT,GRE or even the UPSC exams, failing which they will be forced to join similar tier 2 or 3 colleges for their ME. A substancial proportion of the students end up pursuing the last option and are faced with a very bleak scenario, for save the IIT's and a few other decent instis, graduate engg programs in our country are pathetic and woefully inadequate.The best amongst these grad students(merely a handful) take up research or join core companies. The opportunistic ones join the film industry, while the lowest common denominator enters into politics. The ones stuck somewhere in between join colleges like IIPM.The rest become teachers.

Which reminds me of an adage that is especailly relevant given the present scenario, "Those who can do, those who can't teach".

PS: Kaminey seems to be the most talked about movie these days. So much so, that everytime someone yells 'Kaminey!', the first thing that comes to my mind is Shahid Kapoor!

What's in a name??

2009-08-12T10:38:00.000-07:00

The bard once said "What's in a name? That which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet." But the sycophants of the Nehru-Gandhi family are evidently not familiar with the bard's works (assuming they are literate). According to the congress bard(or baadu) "That which we call a rose, if called Nehru ji/Indira ji/Sonja ji/rahul baba would definitely smell sweeter".

You should try the Nehru Gandhi tour of India. Arrive at the Indira Gandhi Intl airport, perhaps watch a lousy football match at the Jawaharlal Nehru stadium(the delhi one, not to be confused with ones at kochi,chennai,pune,goa,indore and guwahati) then proceed west to catch a glimpse of the Rajiv Gandhi sea link and perhaps spend some time at the Nehru planetarium or else proceed east toward the Rajiv Gandhi Indian Insti of Management(or maybe visit one of the 50 odd instis names after him). A trip north to Mount rajiv is definitely recommended.If you want to proceed south try watching the Nehru trophy boat race in kerala during august-september. If you miss that you can always watch the Indira Gandhi or Rajiv Gandhi boat race, which are held later in the year. Also visit the Rajiv Gandhi and Indira Gandhi wildlife sanctuaries(not to be confused with congress district headquarters).And you can leave the country via the Rajiv Gandhi Intl airport. I know I've missed out on a few hundred Nehru Gandhi places but you get the picture right?

These blithering idiots have named just about everything after some prominent member of the Nehru Gandhi family.I realize that Nehru, Indira and Rajiv were all great leaders(at least by Indian political standards), but one must draw a line somewhere. Lack of creativity coupled with a single digit IQ isn't really an excuse for such a system of nomenclature, although it may be quite close to the truth.But I guess we should just look at the bright side. At least they have limited their system of nomenclature to buildings/stadiums/roads/educational instis/awards/schemes/blah etc. If only these crazy chaps were given the task of alpha taxonomy. They would probably have ended up categorising our species as the Gandhius sapiens(who evolved from the Gandhius erectus(no pun intended)) or something!Sigh! Perhaps I should rename my blog as the "Gandhi Lampoon"?

Mayawati's tryst with Keynesian economics

2009-06-28T08:43:00.000-07:00

In Uttar Pradesh, the most populous state in India, one lady is engaged in the remarkable task of applying Keynesian economics to revive her state's economy. That is none other than Mayawati, the most charismatic person in India after sam anderson!

According to John Maynard Keynes, during a recession the government has to stimulate demand by enacting public spending projects that would increase employment and also reduce taxation to encourage people to spend more.

That's where Mayawati comes in. She has embarked on one of UP's largest public spending exercises in recent times: erecting about 40 statues, including 6 of herself(not to be confused with the statues of the party symbol;the elephant). She believes investing about 10000 crores in such projects(including parks and memorials) will help the economy grow by providing employment to thousands of people. Also by merely looking at these statues, the dalits will become inspired and empowered and educate themselves and come out of poverty.

She is believed to have got this radical idea from none other than renowned economist and visionary Arindham Chaudhary.In fact rumor has it that most of the IIPM students who are not placed are working on her statues!

However it seems one just can't please everybody. According to the opposition, erecting statues of oneself is a foolish thing to do since according to Indian tradition, statues are erected only in honour of the dead. Then again one can't really blame her. She is forced to erect statues of herself since no one else will do any such thing after her time!

The Lampoon Interview:IIT JEE Topper

2009-06-20T09:04:00.000-07:00

This is the first edition of the Lampoon Interview(LI). The LI features interviews of famous and not so famous people who, owing to their exceptional words or deeds,have been deemed be worthy of being lampooned. For the first edition of the Lampoon interview, we have with us Mugeshwaran Iyer(MI), who has cracked the IIT-JEE with an AIR of 7. He has also been ranked 23rd(national) in the AIEEE and got 97.5% in his CBSE board exam. Join us for the interview of this ,~~brilliant~~ lad.

LI: Firstly, let me start by congratulating you on your exceptional performance.

MI:Thanks!

LI: Why don't you introduce yourself to our readers?I'm sure they are anxious to know about the secret of your success!

MI:blushes. My name is Mugeshwaran Iyer, and my friends call me Mugesh. All I can say is that I owe my success to my parents, teachers and most importantly to god.

LI:Humility coupled with ~~brilliance~~. A rare combination indeed!But could you elucidate on your preparation for the benefit of other aspirants?

MI:Well a lot of credit goes to my father. He inculcated a love for learning in me by sending me to vedic mathematics classes when I was just 4 years old. After attending classes for four years, he enrolled me in an institute that trained students for science olympiads and talent search examinations.When I was 10 years old I started learning computer programming from some books that my father bought for me.

LI:Wow!You sure seem to have had an eventful childhood!

MI:Yes, and in that respect I am ~~fortunate~~. While my peers wasted time on sports, games, movies etc I spent my ~~vacations~~ attending various summer camps like memory enhancement camps, speed mathematics camps etc.I also completed a couple of courses from NIIT.

LI:Whoa! So you never actually took a break?

MI:Of course I did take ~~breaks~~! I spent my free time solving puzzles and riddles.I used to read a lot too. I was a voracious reader until about 6th std, when I started focusing on academics.

LI:Phew!So when did you realize IIT was where you wanted to study? And when did your preparation start?

MI:When I was about 9 years old my father told me I have to get into an IIT. At the age of 11 I started going for NTSE(National Talent Search Examination) classes. I attended these classes for a couple of years and it really strengthened my fundamentals. I was selected for NTSE when I was in class 8. That really gave me confidence in myself.

LI:You seem to be quite an achiever!And when did your actual IIT preparation begin?

MI:You could say that. I had always stood first in class right from LKG! When I was in class 8 my dad enrolled me in UNFITJEE's integrated classroom program. That was when my serious preparation first began. I began studying for bout 4 hours every day. I also worked on several science projects during this period. I won the national science project competition a couple of times.

LI:stunned. Continue.

MI:UNFITJEE was really the turning point in my life. From 9th to 12th std, I studied nearly 6 hours every day, except for vacations when I used to spend 16 hours every day. I also concentrated on the school syllabus and thus could maintain very good grades. Also when I was in std 11 I started preparing for International Olympiads.

LI:How could you possibly manage to study so much?

MI:merely shrugs his shoulders. It was a bit difficult in the beginning , but eventually I got used to it. Besides, all that effort has paid off!

LI:It sure has paid off! So what are your future plans? Research? MS abroad?

MI:grins sheepishly. Actually I plan on doing an mba. I have already registered for CAT classes! I also plan on learning some basic economics. I would like to work in the finance or marketing sector. Dad told me that it's an excellent career.

LI:What?!After spending almost your entire childhood learning science you now want to do an MBA? If you wanted to do finance or marketing why didn't you do a B.Com or a B.A (Econ)?

MI looks at me aghast. It was a familiar look, one that I had seen on the faces of people who had just watched a Sam anderson movie!His mother, who was bringing a cup of hot filter coffee for me, retraces her steps back to the kitchen, muttering "Abhishtu abhishtu" under her breath.

I realized the interview was over.

The Numbers Game

2009-06-15T08:16:00.000-07:00

ZERO: The average IQ of the SONY SET MAX Extra Innings team.

1:No of people who read my blog regularly.(Including me, that is!)

3:No of times Dhoni uses the words obviously/of course in a sentence.

13:Total No of people who watched the santosh trophy final.

75:Amount in lakhs spent by VIT management to be ranked 10th best engg college in India, ahead of all the NIT's

364: Duration, in days, of summer in chennai

1000:The ave no of times Ranjith Fernando said 'DLF Maximum'/"City moment of success" per match in the IPL.

10000:Amount in crores, spent by IIPM on ads!(Ponytail man thinks IIPM is better than IIM!)

1 Million:Amount,in $, spent by Harsha Bhogle on his new hairdo!

10 Million: No of golti students pursuing B.E in IIT's, NIT's and US universities
,
1 billion: India's population in the recent past

13 trillion:US national debt, in $

Zillion: TAX FREE PROFIT, IN $, made by 'commissioner' Lalit Modi, thanks to the IPL!

Googol: India's population in the not so distant future.

My Fair Lady

2009-06-12T09:27:00.000-07:00

The Women's reservation bill has been in the news lately, and it has spurred a series of articles, debates and discussions. In principle I am against any sort of reservation, be it for women in parliament or for the backward classes/communities in educational institutions. A reservation is basically a compromise on merit, although I doubt merit has any relevance in the context of politics. Then again women constitute almost 50% of our population (more like 45% thanks to female infanticide and foeticide which has skewed our sex ratio), and their representation in parliament is woefully inadequate. Therefore we must either remove the social prejudices and cultural perceptions about the role of women in politics, and help them overcome their challenges or introduce something like the women's reservation bill. It is not surprising that our politicians have chosen the latter, in accordance with our highest democratic traditions of taking the easy way out.

On a lighter note, the passing of this bill could possibly set a precedent that might pave the way for an efficient and corruption free government.Those in favor of the bill contend that there are too few women in parliament and their numbers ought to be increased. Fair enough. However, applying the same logic, there aren't too many politicians who are well educated. Don't the educated citizens of our country deserve adequate representation? Going by the number of tainted ministers, it is evident that the honest hardworking millions of our nation too are not adequately represented. Shouldn't there be a quota for honest and educated people as well? Considering the fact that the youth constitute nearly 65% of the population, don't they deserve a far greater representation in parliament? In my informed opinion, if we concentrate on providing adequate representation to young, honest and educated people in parliament, that would automatically take care of the gender divide and in all probability skew the ratio in favor of the fairer sex!

Castigat Ridendo Mores

2009-06-12T08:29:00.000-07:00

The raison d'etre of this blog can be explained by the above latin phrase, "Castigat Ridendo Mores", which translates to one who corrects customs by laughing at them, which is a figurative expression for a blunt critic. I believe that if one can't solve the problems of the world, the next best thing is to laugh at them! I also believe that it is futile to laugh at others if one can't laugh at oneself. Therefore without further ado, let the comedy begin!