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Showing posts with label mallu. Show all posts

Friday, September 9, 2011 - 11:42 AM § in ,

THE SPIRIT OF BACCHUS

Kerala, that picturesque, enchanting sliver of land located at the southern tip of our nation , not only has the highest literacy rate  in the country but also the highest per capita consumption of alcohol.This fortuitous combination has resulted in some delightfully creative 'brand' names for illicit liquor manufactured there, like Manavatti(bride),which claims to make one demure, quiet and reserved akin to a bride on her wedding day or Anamayakki, which shares it's namesake with the medicine used to calm down elephants in musth.In order to uphold our glorious heritage and tradition, TML plans to make a foray into the hooch liquor sector with the following brands in the pipeline:

Mahamaya(Great Maya/Grand illusion): This gives you a sense of absolute power and control, along with the hubris, hypocrisy and avarice that accompanies it. You will be overwhelmed by delusions of grandeur; of how your're the defender of the poor,the up lifter of the downtrodden and the conscience keeper of your generation. It will degenerate your self to a state of capriciousness and narcissism where you will start indulging in your every whim and fancy. Like sending your private jet to london to fetch a pair of shoes, perhaps?

Shree inda Shanthi(The placidity of Shree): This is an extreme version of Anamayakki. It can transform a petulant, presumptuous, pompous prick to a serene and impassive person with a zen-like countenance; a wacky cross between Yogi Berra and Sathya Sai Baba who can spout such wisdom as "Silence is the speech of the spiritual seeker" when asked a provocative question.

Digvijayam(Victory in all directions): This will reduce you to a ranting and raving lunatic.You will try to pass your asinine and ludicrous ramblings off as clever witticisms and fail spectacularly. You will labor under the illusion of being a scheming genius, despite being a blithering idiot. It will make you the undisputed master of getting caught with your foot in your mouth without you even realizing it!

Pawar Cut: This is a truly diabolic drink. It is like the Schrodinger's cat of hooch. It is illicit and yet somehow it isn't. Any attempt to find out by drinking it will cause it to fall into either of the two states, thereby making all results inconclusive. It is full bodied, rich and twisted. And despite the Rs.12 tag on the bottle, it costs quite a fortune!

Prometric(Fail): This is, without doubt, the most lethal of the lot. It's defining characteristic is it's randomness; not everyone who consumes it will get a high. The few fortunate ones who do tend to become haughty,indolent, posturing snobs;in short ideal manager material. The ones who miss out are heartbroken  but are so addicted that they procure it over and over again until they get the high they desire.
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Wednesday, October 14, 2009 - 7:44 AM § in , ,

Dregs of the Earth

The shocking disclosure last week of our weight lifters having failed doping tests, has caused our nation a great deal of embarrassment. Indian weightlifting has been scarred by the bane of doping for quite sometime, and the present situation isn't really a surprise for those who have been following the sport in India for awhile. However, what is really shocking and surprising is the fact that in spite of being on steroids, most Indian weight lifters still performed miserably in international events!!!

These recent events have cast a shadow of doubt on other sports persons as well. In order to put to rest any doubts regarding doping in India's only sport(for most of the country fellows it is), the Lampoon interviewed Shantakumaran Sreeshanth(SS), one of India's best fast bowlers, and a mallu to boot!(Unfortunately!)

ML:Let's get straight to the point. Are you aware of any cricketers using performance enhancing drugs?

SS:*Putting on fake accent*. No maan! I am note much aware of these things. But even if I were aware I can't tell to in frond of the camera. I will get slapped again!*Gives a maniacal laugh*

ML:Ok fine. Have you ever used performance enhancing drugs?

SS:*Gives maniacal laugh*. Never maan!I don't use dregs to enhance my performance. Otherwise I might have still been in the team!

ML:You have a point there! So you've never taken drugs, um, dregs ever?

SS:Oh!I've taken dregs on a few occasions,but that wasn't to enhance performance or anything. Those dregs just made me do crazy stuff like this!

ML:You've just admitted to taking drugs! They say there is a fine line between honesty and stupidity, but I believe you're on the wrong side of it!

SS:Alla da! I know nobody reads this stupid blog, so I can say whatever I want and get away with it!!Hahaha!!
*Starts doing a little jig, with his characteristic pelvic thrust, accompanied by those weird despicable facial expressions!*

SS:How do you like my new dance moves? I've specially choreographed it to signal my return to international cricket!
*Continues with the tribal jig*

ML:Dude control!People are watching!Sheesh!
*Looks around frantically for a shotgun, but in vain*

And we left him there, oblivious to the world, a crazy mallu doing a crazier jig.
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Friday, September 4, 2009 - 10:23 AM § in , , , , , , ,

Yenna da rascala?

'Quick Gun Murugan' , based on the tale of a South Indian Cowboy, reaffirms the fact that we Indians are fascinated and obsessed with stereotypes. Be it the ubiquitous mallu(esp in gelf) wid the funny engleesh axe-scent or the equally ubiquitous surd(esp in canada) who is the butt of all our lame jokes, stereotypes provide us with an endless source of amusement and entertainment. Alas, most of the dumb and racist natives are too prejudiced to realize that stereotypes are merely a convenient albeit inaccurate oversimplification of reality.

For example, take the stereotype of the funny engleesh axe-scent mallu. There are a lot of mallus who speak fluent english, with impeccable accents; like Shashi Tharoor, Arundhati Roy,Nirupama Rao, Govind Paliath to name a few. Or take the general stereotype of a South Indian. A lot of North Indians(country fellows) believe that the whole of south India is one single eshtate populated by funny engleesh shpeaking, wierd mannerishms making(a la Rajini ishtyle) 'Madrasis'. Apart from refelcting poorly on their knowledge of geography, such stereotypes also serve as an indicator of how racist and bigoted we are. It's not like all Sardars are dumb, nor are Sindhis dressed up for diwali every single day of the year. And all bongs don't speak like Pornob Mukerji. Nor are all goltis either Naxals or IT professionals.Moving on,consider the stereotype of the Tambrams(Tamil Brahmins), the studious padips's(redundant adjective?), who spend their entire childhood nerding to clear the JEE/get state rank(preferably both!). But not all Tambrams are like that. For example . . . .um . . . lemme see . . .Tambrams who aren't studious . . .there's gotta be someone . . . .Spectrum Raja? Abhachaaram! . . .Hmmm . . . I give up!Maybe some stereotypes aren't inaccurate after all!

Life comes full circle they say, and as far as stereotyes are concerned the saying holds true!Marathis make fun of Biharis (Biharis don't make fun of others, they wonly make the bhojpuri fillims),while this parsi makes fun of the Marathis, and also just about everyone else . North Indians in general make fun of 'madrasis', and in namma chennai the 'Seth pasanga' are kalaichified(Maranai Kalai/Total Damage).The illiterate and ignorant natives(country fellows) make fun of the mallus. The Mallus make fun of the tamilians, the tamilians make fun of the Golti peopleoo. Golti peopleoo make fun of the OZ's and subsequently get beaten up. The surds make fun of the OZ's while the rest of the nation makes fun of the surds!And to top it all we have the audacity to call others racists! What to do?As a brown skinned native once said 'We are like this wonly'!!
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