The Mallu Lampoon

PS:Kindly overlook the lousy pun in the title :|

A 'flying ace' is a pilot who has gunned down several enemy aircraft(usually more than five). There have been several famous 'aces', the most famous amongst them probably being Manfred Von Richtofen, aka the 'Red Baron'. However, the past few years have borne witness to the emergence of the greatest 'flying ace', in the broadest interpretation of the definition, EVER. An elusive species that goes by the rather innocuous title of "Indian Neta".


 The "Indian Neta" has been responsible for taking down hundreds of planes; without even getting off the ground!! Of course, all the planes, and a few helicopters, did belong to the Netas' motherland, but for all practical purposes we can assume the motherland to be the Netas' enemy(although there are several incidents that can convincingly establish the validity of the above assumption, their study is beyond the scope of this article). Another unique distinction is that they did not use conventional anti aircraft guns/missiles to bring these planes down. Instead, they used a lethal and potent mixture of corruption, nepotism, lobbying, avarice, apathy, vested interests and remarkable short sightedness. Ironically, it's been dubbed as the Indian version of the "Patriot" system!


   It could be argued that the Netas did not act alone; they had the support and collusion of bureaucrats, businessmen, lobbyists and the public at large. The first three categories are self explanatory. The fourth category is also culpable owing to their(self included) general silence on the issue and their failure to bring about any substantial change in the system of governance. However, just as the pilot must get the maximum credit and not the ground staff, so too our Netas must hog all the limelight.



Much of their success can be attributed to the rigorous and comprehensive training they receive in the art of corruption at several elite training installations spread across the country, the most famous amongst them being the Lok Sabha. Needless to say, all that training has yielded rich dividends. The poor Red Baron must be turning in his grave! Owing to the prolific nature of the Netas' 'exploits', it is almost impossible to determine the exact number of their 'kills'. However, we present below a sample of their innumerable 'triumphs' in the past few MONTHS: 

The incidents listed above are only indicative and by no means exhaustive. It's not that this was all that we could gather; this was all that we could take. The Lampoon salutes the 'Indian Neta' for this singular feat which will probably never be emulated ever again. And thank god for that.

The Lampoon expresses it's condolences to the friends and family of all those brave soldiers who lost their lives. May their souls rest in peace.

Jai Hind!

Ournoob Goeswhammy was standing by his window, his hands in his pockets, with a frown on his face. His top floor office in the swanky Crimes Now headquarters offered him a sweeping view of the Arabian sea. But the view failed to lift his spirits. He was still mulling over the problem at hand. The sheer irony of it almost brought a smile to his face. Almost. He couldn't believe that he, Ournoob Goeswhammy, the doyen of sensationalism, had trouble finding a suitable story to cover!

The arrival of his deputy, Rookiemani, interrupted the train of his thoughts.  She had a list of possible stories to cover in her hand. "Well, what have you got for me?", he asked.

"To start with, we could perhaps cover the recent report regarding farmer suicides.The numbers have risen this year", she replied.

"That's hardly surprising. Thousands of farmers have been taking their lives every year for the past decade or so. Neither the government nor the public at large give a damn about it. In fact, it isn't even news anymore."

"What about the situation in the northeast? The insurgency has shown no signs of letting up and there has been a blockade in several parts for over a month."

"Again, no one's really interested in the situation in the Northeast. Most Indians don't even know how many states are there in the Northeast, let alone names of those states. I think the only people interested in the region are the Chinese!"

"What about the cyclone? It has been upgraded to a super cyclone "

"What cyclone?! How come I haven't heard anything about it?"

"The one off the coast of Chennai. It's expected to make landfall between Chennai and Nellore."

"Oh the one that's hitting South India. No wonder I hadn't heard about it!The cyclone will barely create a ripple. In the media that is." He chuckled, surprised by his own wit.

"Um. Well an army major and three jawans lost their lives in a counter insurgency operation yesterday."

"We covered a similar story a couple of months back.We'll just make a passing mention of it. If time permits that is. Don't you have anything interesting on your list? Breaking news material?"

"Would rising inflation classify as breaking news material?

"That would depend on whether it will affect the masses."

"Well the poor are the worst hit. Rising food prices have caused a great deal of starvation. And the lack of universal PDS . . . ."

"You've got it all wrong" he interjected."It may affect the poor but they don't really count. It's impact on the 'masses' is minimal.It's not affecting people like you and me, is it?"

Rookiemani stared at him silently, stunned. She decided not to mention the incident about the dalit who was lynched by an upper caste mob for stealing a cow.

"I need something sensational. Like models committing suicide, a spat between actors,some cricket related controversy,the impact of a weak dollar on IT exports, army officers involved in rape/corruption or at the very least a story on thick fog in the capital delaying flights or something like that. Am I clear?"

Rookiemani nodded silently. "Talk about sensationalism in the media", she muttered under her breath.

"That's brilliant!" Ournoob exclaimed. "I had no idea you had such a great topic on the list. Why didn't you tell me earlier?!"

Rookiemani cast an uneasy glance at him. Was he being sarcastic?

"SENSATIONALISM IN THE INDIAN MEDIA!! A golden opportunity to DISPARAGE the other news channels which have indulged in SENSATIONALISM and also denounce them for the FATUOUS journalism it has lead to. I can also expose the DEEPLY ENTRENCHED FUEDAL STRUCTURE  in our nation which is at the heart of this problem. Maybe I could JUXTAPOSE it with . . . . ."

Rookiemani stood there, gaping incredulously at him, as he rambled on. He looked at her and smiled. He had that effect on people . . . . .