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Our Noob Goes Whammy

Ournoob Goeswhammy was standing by his window, his hands in his pockets, with a frown on his face. His top floor office in the swanky Crimes Now headquarters offered him a sweeping view of the Arabian sea. But the view failed to lift his spirits. He was still mulling over the problem at hand. The sheer irony of it almost brought a smile to his face. Almost. He couldn't believe that he, Ournoob Goeswhammy, the doyen of sensationalism, had trouble finding a suitable story to cover!

The arrival of his deputy, Rookiemani, interrupted the train of his thoughts.  She had a list of possible stories to cover in her hand. "Well, what have you got for me?", he asked.

"To start with, we could perhaps cover the recent report regarding farmer suicides.The numbers have risen this year", she replied.

"That's hardly surprising. Thousands of farmers have been taking their lives every year for the past decade or so. Neither the government nor the public at large give a damn about it. In fact, it isn't even news anymore."

"What about the situation in the northeast? The insurgency has shown no signs of letting up and there has been a blockade in several parts for over a month."

"Again, no one's really interested in the situation in the Northeast. Most Indians don't even know how many states are there in the Northeast, let alone names of those states. I think the only people interested in the region are the Chinese!"

"What about the cyclone? It has been upgraded to a super cyclone "

"What cyclone?! How come I haven't heard anything about it?"

"The one off the coast of Chennai. It's expected to make landfall between Chennai and Nellore."

"Oh the one that's hitting South India. No wonder I hadn't heard about it!The cyclone will barely create a ripple. In the media that is." He chuckled, surprised by his own wit.

"Um. Well an army major and three jawans lost their lives in a counter insurgency operation yesterday."

"We covered a similar story a couple of months back.We'll just make a passing mention of it. If time permits that is. Don't you have anything interesting on your list? Breaking news material?"

"Would rising inflation classify as breaking news material?

"That would depend on whether it will affect the masses."

"Well the poor are the worst hit. Rising food prices have caused a great deal of starvation. And the lack of universal PDS . . . ."

"You've got it all wrong" he interjected."It may affect the poor but they don't really count. It's impact on the 'masses' is minimal.It's not affecting people like you and me, is it?"

Rookiemani stared at him silently, stunned. She decided not to mention the incident about the dalit who was lynched by an upper caste mob for stealing a cow.

"I need something sensational. Like models committing suicide, a spat between actors,some cricket related controversy,the impact of a weak dollar on IT exports, army officers involved in rape/corruption or at the very least a story on thick fog in the capital delaying flights or something like that. Am I clear?"

Rookiemani nodded silently. "Talk about sensationalism in the media", she muttered under her breath.

"That's brilliant!" Ournoob exclaimed. "I had no idea you had such a great topic on the list. Why didn't you tell me earlier?!"

Rookiemani cast an uneasy glance at him. Was he being sarcastic?

"SENSATIONALISM IN THE INDIAN MEDIA!! A golden opportunity to DISPARAGE the other news channels which have indulged in SENSATIONALISM and also denounce them for the FATUOUS journalism it has lead to. I can also expose the DEEPLY ENTRENCHED FUEDAL STRUCTURE  in our nation which is at the heart of this problem. Maybe I could JUXTAPOSE it with . . . . ."

Rookiemani stood there, gaping incredulously at him, as he rambled on. He looked at her and smiled. He had that effect on people . . . . .


6 Comments Add Yours ↓

  1. Ournoob Goeswhammy is the only person credited to creating breaking news by yelling breaking news at ear shattering sounds!

    Wonderful take! Loved it!

  2. LOL. LMAO. ROTFL. And all the rest of it. I don't use the word gen'ly, but 'awesome' dude (although as we keep discussing, over your posts, it is a sad, sad state of affairs and as of now all we can do is just lampoon it I guess!)

    Loved the way you started it :) P'haps you should develop it into a (quasi-)fiction story or something :D How have you been? And how is the CAT prep coming on???

  3. Godness you never rest Goliath! :D

  4. killer... absolutely killer!

  5. @Rakesh:Thanks! He thinks screaming at the top of his voice helps him garner more TRP's :|

    @Uncleji:Thanks! Look on the bright side; there is no dearth of entertainment in India :|

    @Gerrvindh: :|

    @Ajai:Thanks!

  6. Hi!I chanced upon your blog through a friend's post in FB.

    Brilliant post! I hate that man from the day I saw him cover the Mangalore air plane crash!

    And its such a pity that the Indian media thrives on Sensationalism!