The Mallu Lampoon

Stockholm: A team of slueths belonging to the Delhi Police have cracked the rape case Julian Assange was accused of being involved in. In fact, the actual perpetrator has been identified as Mukesh Sharma, a cab driver of Indian origin. Although the slueths refrained from giving details, sources informed us that Sharma had been a serial rape offender and that he was part of a larger conspiracy to implicate Assange. This vindicates Julian Assange and lends weight to the rumors regarding the involvement of foreign governments in his arrest.

The Delhi Police team, lead by SP Rajkumar Purohit, had landed last night and apprehended the real culprit in a matter of a few hours. Sharma,who originally  hails from Delhi, had moved to Sweden about a decade back. On being questioned on how the Delhi Police were able to crack the case, SP Rajkumar Purohit said, "When I read about the Assange case in the papers, the first thing I did was to check if any men from Delhi were in Stockholm at that time. In fact this is a standard operating procedure followed by police in India. Whenever some woman gets raped, we first check if any man from Delhi had been in the vicinity at the same time. Call it racial profiling if you will, but it works."

According to reports, Sharma was found to be involved in several rape cases, both in Sweden as well as in India. In fact, the Swedish police have charged him in no less than 17 rape cases. In his defence, Sharma said," It has been 10 years since I left Delhi. I miss the city's culture. I was feeling very homesick, which is why I did it. It somehow made me feel like I was back home again."

PS:Kindly overlook the lousy pun in the title :|

A 'flying ace' is a pilot who has gunned down several enemy aircraft(usually more than five). There have been several famous 'aces', the most famous amongst them probably being Manfred Von Richtofen, aka the 'Red Baron'. However, the past few years have borne witness to the emergence of the greatest 'flying ace', in the broadest interpretation of the definition, EVER. An elusive species that goes by the rather innocuous title of "Indian Neta".


 The "Indian Neta" has been responsible for taking down hundreds of planes; without even getting off the ground!! Of course, all the planes, and a few helicopters, did belong to the Netas' motherland, but for all practical purposes we can assume the motherland to be the Netas' enemy(although there are several incidents that can convincingly establish the validity of the above assumption, their study is beyond the scope of this article). Another unique distinction is that they did not use conventional anti aircraft guns/missiles to bring these planes down. Instead, they used a lethal and potent mixture of corruption, nepotism, lobbying, avarice, apathy, vested interests and remarkable short sightedness. Ironically, it's been dubbed as the Indian version of the "Patriot" system!


   It could be argued that the Netas did not act alone; they had the support and collusion of bureaucrats, businessmen, lobbyists and the public at large. The first three categories are self explanatory. The fourth category is also culpable owing to their(self included) general silence on the issue and their failure to bring about any substantial change in the system of governance. However, just as the pilot must get the maximum credit and not the ground staff, so too our Netas must hog all the limelight.



Much of their success can be attributed to the rigorous and comprehensive training they receive in the art of corruption at several elite training installations spread across the country, the most famous amongst them being the Lok Sabha. Needless to say, all that training has yielded rich dividends. The poor Red Baron must be turning in his grave! Owing to the prolific nature of the Netas' 'exploits', it is almost impossible to determine the exact number of their 'kills'. However, we present below a sample of their innumerable 'triumphs' in the past few MONTHS: 

The incidents listed above are only indicative and by no means exhaustive. It's not that this was all that we could gather; this was all that we could take. The Lampoon salutes the 'Indian Neta' for this singular feat which will probably never be emulated ever again. And thank god for that.

The Lampoon expresses it's condolences to the friends and family of all those brave soldiers who lost their lives. May their souls rest in peace.

Jai Hind!

Ournoob Goeswhammy was standing by his window, his hands in his pockets, with a frown on his face. His top floor office in the swanky Crimes Now headquarters offered him a sweeping view of the Arabian sea. But the view failed to lift his spirits. He was still mulling over the problem at hand. The sheer irony of it almost brought a smile to his face. Almost. He couldn't believe that he, Ournoob Goeswhammy, the doyen of sensationalism, had trouble finding a suitable story to cover!

The arrival of his deputy, Rookiemani, interrupted the train of his thoughts.  She had a list of possible stories to cover in her hand. "Well, what have you got for me?", he asked.

"To start with, we could perhaps cover the recent report regarding farmer suicides.The numbers have risen this year", she replied.

"That's hardly surprising. Thousands of farmers have been taking their lives every year for the past decade or so. Neither the government nor the public at large give a damn about it. In fact, it isn't even news anymore."

"What about the situation in the northeast? The insurgency has shown no signs of letting up and there has been a blockade in several parts for over a month."

"Again, no one's really interested in the situation in the Northeast. Most Indians don't even know how many states are there in the Northeast, let alone names of those states. I think the only people interested in the region are the Chinese!"

"What about the cyclone? It has been upgraded to a super cyclone "

"What cyclone?! How come I haven't heard anything about it?"

"The one off the coast of Chennai. It's expected to make landfall between Chennai and Nellore."

"Oh the one that's hitting South India. No wonder I hadn't heard about it!The cyclone will barely create a ripple. In the media that is." He chuckled, surprised by his own wit.

"Um. Well an army major and three jawans lost their lives in a counter insurgency operation yesterday."

"We covered a similar story a couple of months back.We'll just make a passing mention of it. If time permits that is. Don't you have anything interesting on your list? Breaking news material?"

"Would rising inflation classify as breaking news material?

"That would depend on whether it will affect the masses."

"Well the poor are the worst hit. Rising food prices have caused a great deal of starvation. And the lack of universal PDS . . . ."

"You've got it all wrong" he interjected."It may affect the poor but they don't really count. It's impact on the 'masses' is minimal.It's not affecting people like you and me, is it?"

Rookiemani stared at him silently, stunned. She decided not to mention the incident about the dalit who was lynched by an upper caste mob for stealing a cow.

"I need something sensational. Like models committing suicide, a spat between actors,some cricket related controversy,the impact of a weak dollar on IT exports, army officers involved in rape/corruption or at the very least a story on thick fog in the capital delaying flights or something like that. Am I clear?"

Rookiemani nodded silently. "Talk about sensationalism in the media", she muttered under her breath.

"That's brilliant!" Ournoob exclaimed. "I had no idea you had such a great topic on the list. Why didn't you tell me earlier?!"

Rookiemani cast an uneasy glance at him. Was he being sarcastic?

"SENSATIONALISM IN THE INDIAN MEDIA!! A golden opportunity to DISPARAGE the other news channels which have indulged in SENSATIONALISM and also denounce them for the FATUOUS journalism it has lead to. I can also expose the DEEPLY ENTRENCHED FUEDAL STRUCTURE  in our nation which is at the heart of this problem. Maybe I could JUXTAPOSE it with . . . . ."

Rookiemani stood there, gaping incredulously at him, as he rambled on. He looked at her and smiled. He had that effect on people . . . . .

The UPA government is considering a radical new approach to the problem of creating an inclusive society. After the disheartening and abysmal failure of all their development plans and the alarming rise in economical inequities in a rapidly developing nation, the government has come up with a novel innovative solution; reducing inequity by making poverty inclusive! Although there is uncertainty regarding the circumstances under which such an extreme measure was adopted, reports indicate that the publication of the UN poverty index ,which states that 8 Indian states are less developed than the whole of sub Saharan Africa put together, was one of the main catalysts. A senior minister in the UPA was quoted as saying,” This is indeed a historic decision. However in order to implement it, it’s imperative that the UPA remains in power. Only the UPA has the requisite capabilities to ensure poverty is made inclusive!"Another senior UPA minister added,” It is indeed a daunting task. We might have to make some drastic changes in the cabinet. Sharad Pawar should be made PM, as his deft handling of the Agriculture ministry has proved that he is indeed the best man to help India achieve inclusive poverty. A.Raja would probably join him as finance minister, as he has an intuitive grasp of the economics of deprivation. We must also give greater power and responsibilities to gifted politicians like Mayawati, Mamta Banerjee and Raj Thackeray, who seem to be doing their bit already.” Some of the other changes that will be implemented will be 100% reservation in all government/aided institutions(including IIT’s/IIM’s) and also 75% reservation in the private sector. Other changes include enlisting the help of Maoists to help dismantle out limited infrastructure and the outsourcing of our entire IT industry back to the West, where people are desperate for jobs. However the opposition parties have cried foul, saying they can do a much better job of making poverty inclusive than the present UPA government. The naxals too are against the move as once all Indians become poor they will have no one to fight with! The business community was too shocked and we were unable to get their view on this matter. However the government is confident that they can arrive at a consensus as this is an issue close to the heart of several politicians and industrialists alike.

Finally I've gotten down to writing a post about my college.I study in this college which is located in some obscure village near the suburbs of Chennai. The nearest landmark is perhaps Madhya Kailash, which is about 35km away. No seriosly! Most directions to college end with, "From Madhya Kailash just keep going down the road, for like eternity. Eventually you will chance upon the campus(or rather a motley collection of buildings pretending to be one)".

One of the first things that strike you when you enter the campus are the immaculately manicured lawns and gardens. As you approach the admin block, which incidentally is quite some distance from the gate, you come across the 'fountain of eternal filth'. The putrid stench that emanates from the waters gives visitors their first whiff of a dysfunctional educational system. It apparently uses processed sewage water, but it's quite evident that the processing was a complete failure. Rumors abound that it was based on a final year project of some chem department student. Epic Fail.

One of the key features of our college is the generous grant of scholarships to students. Nerds who waste perhaps the best part of their lives cramming for inane university exams are rewarded with academic scholarships to compensate for all the fine things they missed out on. This is to provide some solace to those losers so that they can feel happy about themselves and to encourage a culture of faggotness in general.

Another distinctive feature is the unit tests which we take twice a week. Apparently our management believes that our college is a prestigious institution. According to them since other prestigious institutions like Stanford, Harvard, IIT's etc( I typed this out with a straight face. Honest) have a system of continuous assessment, it is imperative that we too adopt a system of continuous evaluation along similar lines. Evidently none of them have been to any of these institutions, or they would have realized that our ridiculous system is unique in it's absurdity and irrelevance.

The 'IIT analogy' is perhaps taken a bit too seriously . Since IIT's have a negligible population of pretty girls, we too have followed suit and entry into our college's hallowed portals(I typed this out with a straight face too) is forbidden to most pretty faces. Unfortunately the similarity with the IIT's ends there.

Yet another unique distinction is our arbit rule generating algorithm. This was originally developed by some brilliant bloke in our management , using genuine stupidity(and you thought A.I was cool :|) algorithms which create dumber rules by the day. After undergoing extensive testing on the CSE department students, this algorithm is now being put in use for students of the college in general.

The only chaps who seem to have a life are the mechanical engineering students. Afternoon classes are suspended for them almost every other day, and their life is closer to that of an arts college student that an engineering student. Of course the fact that some of them know as much about mechanical engineering as an arts student would is a different matter altogether.

Then again I shouldn't be saying that, for my knowledge of Electronics and Communication is about as extensive as Shilpa Shetty's knowledge about Quantum Electro Dynamics! However, in a university built upon the foundations of rote learning, where stupidity is a virtue, wisdom a vice and randomness a way of life,it's not how much you know but how much you can commit to memory that counts.In fact, nothing else matters.

Advertising Agency: The Mallu Lampoon
Creative Director: Um. Me?
Art Directors: Me again?
Copywriter: Who else?:P
Photographer: Flicked off the net :|
Additional Credits: Suresh Kalmadi :)
Published: April  2010

The Lampoon is extremely pleased to present it's readers with an exclusive interview with Mr.Vidiadharan Puller, popularly known as Vidia, who is the Dean, Chairman and President of the International Institute of Strategy and Management (IISM).

ML: Firstly I would like to thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule for participating in this interview.

VP:Not at all. My pleasure!

ML: To start with, given the proliferation of MBA institutes these days, what set's your institute apart from the others?

VP:Well, we our unique in several ways.For example, under our DOTA program, students get an opportunity to go on a study tour abroad(US, Europe etc) and they get to play DOTA with the students of one of  the top 20 B-schools in the world.

ML:DOTA?

VP:Yeah. It's a good team building excersice!Besides we have a lot of tie ups with prestigious global B-schools like Stuck, Fale, Gaylogg and Chaas in the US and Fudge in the UK. We also have student exchange programmes with them.

ML:Sounds impressive.

VP: There's more. All IISM students are eligible for an additional degree in management from the Farton School of business(University of Pencilmania), which is internationally recognized. It therefore comes as no surprise that we have more international placements than even all the IIM's put together!

ML: That is quite a feat!Talking about the IIM's, there is some controversy over your institute being rated ahead of a few IIM's in a recent business survey.

VP:You must be referring to the Jee business survey. We have been ranked ahead of all the IIM's in categories like amount spent on advertising(we win hands down), no of full page ads( same story) and also in indecent, sorry, international exposure.

ML:Yes. But there are doubts being raised over the veracity of these rankings. What's your take on that?

VP: Evidently a case of sour grapes. The Jee survey ranked instis on several important parameters like Course (dis)content, Overall (dis)placements, Global exposure, infrastructure etc and IISM has fared well in all these parameters.We have superior course discontent, superior displacements, especially international ones and superior global exposure, as mentioned earlier. Moreover  we also have superior state of the art infrastructure/facilities. In fact, we even provide all IISM students with free Ipads!

ML:Ok. Fair enough. But as far as the Ipads are concerned, rumor has it that the exorbitant fees you charge more than compensates for it! Anyway moving on, let's talk about Vidhiadharan the person. We hear that you are an accomplished writer as well. How did that happen?

VP:Well I've always had a unique and superior thought process, so I thought it imperative that I pen down some of these thoughts for the benefit of the masses. I've authored two bestsellers; the first titled "How to write like Dickens and get some snatch" which is self explanatory and the other titled "The Great Indian Cream", which is an in depth sutdy of the obsession Indian men seem to have with fairness creams!

ML:I'm sure they would make for some fine reading! Apparently your writing prowess has drawn comparisons between you and VS Naipaul, who incidentally shares your first name?

VP:It's true. As a matter of fact a lot of my friends and associates call me Sir Vidia. I keep telling them I'm not Sir Vidia, I am THE Vidia!

ML:THE Vidia indeed, Mr.Puller!

VP:In fact, I found it so endearing that I named my group as TheVidia group. Our consulting arm is called TheVidia consulting and our ad agency is called TheVidia creative solutions.

ML:Creative is an understatement! Btw TheVidia creative solutions must be coming up with those full page ads in the papers right?

VP:Yes. I'm sure you find them very impressive.

ML:Absolutely! Especially the latest one which claimed that your institute has renowned minds from the world of business and management take guest lectures almost every other day.

VP:Ah! That's one of our best ads till date!

ML:Except  for one minor glitch. The list of guest lecturers included names like Adam Smith, Patrick Blackett, Edward Deming and Alfred Sloan.

VP:Well whatever is stated in the ad is true. What's the glitch?

ML:Of course, there is no doubting the fact that they are all legends in their own right; unfortunately though they've all been long dead.Sigh. The Vidia Puller FTW :|


Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All characters and institutes featured are fictitious and any resemblance to actual personalities/institutes is purely coincidental and unintentional.